turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
