It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
