I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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