Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
