he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
