I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
