Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
