bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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