My hand turned me down
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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