just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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