I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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