Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
my poor anus
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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