I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
