Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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