god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
