my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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