My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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