Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
