i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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