Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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