I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize