3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
