Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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