wrigley field is MILF paradise
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize