I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
