Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
