True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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