I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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