I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
