So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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