thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
