oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
