She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize