You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i wish my penis had a tongue
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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