My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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