is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
