I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Congratulations! We have a period
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