I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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