gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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