I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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