I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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