Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
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