btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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