The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
