Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
