I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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