I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Randomize
