In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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