hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I think I am morally bankrupt
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
