What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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