Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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