Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
