you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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