The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
