Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
