he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
