I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
