I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
