What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
