i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
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