you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
