Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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