somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
