I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
