i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
