I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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