Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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