I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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