I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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